Uncle John's Rantings

Signal Boost: Return of the DDoS

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 22:39:27 GMT

Originally posted by deathpixie at Signal Boost: Return of the DDoS

For those wanting to know more about the recent DDoS attacks, yes, it looks like it was the Russian government trying to shut down the dissidents again.

As I said last time, while it's frustrating not to have access, LJ is a lot more than a social network platform. From the article:

"LiveJournal isn’t just a social network. It’s also a platform for organizing civic action. Dozens of network projects and groups mobilize people to solve specific problems — from defending the rights of political prisoners to saving endangered historic architecture in Moscow."

So while I know many are considering the move over to Dreamwidth and other such sites, supporting LJ is a way we can help support those who use it for more than a writing/roleplaying/social venue.

Also, as a FYI, LJ is giving paid users effected by the outage two weeks of paid time as compensation.

Alternate World Heroes: Superman and Batman

Sun, 08 May 2011 07:52:46 GMT

It's fall, and John Kent had a good harvest, so he decided to treat his wife and adopted son, Clark, to a treat: A trip to Gotham City. They took in all the museums, art galleries, and through a chance meeting with Thomas Wayne, philanthropist, they were able to attend the Gotham Opera production of the Der Fledermaus. After the show, the Kents, unfortunately took a wrong turn, and were accosted by one Joe Chill.

Both of his parents were killed before young Clark's eyes by Chill. His Kryptonian powers were still nascent, so he was unable to stop the criminal, as he shot John and Mary Kent. Chill was captured and sentenced, and Thomas Wayne took Clark under his wing as his ward. Clark grew up with his best friend Bruce, the two became brothers as their friendship grew.

When Clark's Kryptonian powers started to manifest, it was Bruce who helped him hide them and together, they learned how to control them. On Clark's eighteenth birthday, he returned to the farm where he had been raised. Mister Wayne had kept it going for the boy all these years, and a wiser and very much stronger Clark Kent inherited his family's farm. However, he was no longer that naive farmboy from Smallville anymore. And he was not the farmer his father was. So he put the farm up for sale, and set about clearing out the old memories from the house and barn.

It was in the barn that he found the spaceship that had carried him to Earth. Along with him was Bruce and together, they worked out that Clark was not human, but an alien. From records in the ship, Clark found out that his birth name was Kal-el, and that he was twice over an orphan, that his homeworld was destroyed.

He was devastated, he wanted to strike back, but, because of the upbringing he had gotten from Thomas Wayne, he could not blindly strike out. But he decided, then and there, that he would avenge the death of all his parents, and he'll start first with Gotham City and its crime ridden streets. As he was discussing this with Bruce, who wanted in on the deal, Clark said, "I need an identity that will strike fear in the hearts of criminals, a cowardly, superstitious lot. But what should I become?"

At that moment, the bats living in the rafters of the barn, woke up and took flight, both young men ducking their heads as the leathery wings flew on by. "That's it Bruce!" Clark cried out, "That's what I'll become! A bat... no, I will become...

Clark Kent, The Batman!"

Enlisting the aid of their trusty butler, Alfred, they fashioned a costume for Clark that would strike terror in the hearts of those who opposed justice and the law. Bruce, with his mechanical genius and head for mysteries, decided to join his brother in arms as a fellow crime fighter.

"I shall follow the philosophy of Nietzsche and use the concept of the Übermensch for my name," said Bruce. "While I do not have your powers Clark, I have trained long and hard by your side. I am at the peak of humanity's ability, both physically and mentally. I am not a mere man... I am a Superman. Yes, that's the name i will use, I shall be...

Bruce Wayne, Superman!"

Together, the dynamic duo fight a never ending battle, for truth, justice and the American way!

Help my friend make a Heortling Clan!

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 19:33:17 GMT

My Friend Ed, em_gumby, is trying to create a Heortling Clan for Glorantha. He wrote:

In the original "Heroquest" rules under Community Support there is a suggestion that when you are designing the community, you should set up a questionnaire for the players to answer, which will give you an idea of how to rate the community in five different areas - wealth, diplomacy, morale, military, and magic. For fun I started working up such a questionnaire for a Heortling clan. It proved to be a larger effort than I had initially planned for, but I got it done this weekend and thought I would post it to see what people came up with.

He just asked for a couple more folks to fill out his poll, so check it out at:

em-gumby.livejournal.com/204137.html

Heortling Ho!

Ahnold is back!

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 20:58:29 GMT

Heeeee's Baaaaaaaaaaack!

L'oreal touts "Gene Science"

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 07:14:48 GMT

Uncle John has another rant about an inane commercial. Not one about bears doing their thing in the woods. No, one where a cosmetics firm touts "gene science". A science that allows a topically applied ointment to cause "gene expression". Watch the following bit of pseudo-science:

Yes, by embedding this commercial, I'm giving them more hits, but it's important to see the type of bovine stuff that they are shoveling on a public that doesn't really understand how things work.

Gene expression is the process by which information from a gene is used in the synthesis of a functional gene product, things like proteins.

They also claim that because of their experience with exfoliation, i.e. the removal of the oldest dead skin cells in the skin layer, they have learned how to "stress" cells to produce beneficial proteins and other cell products to create healthy skin.

The epidermis, the outer skin layer, is 15 to 20 dead skin cells thick. And only the top most and loosest layers of skin are removed by exfoliation. It never gets down to the basale layer where new skins cells form. That's further on down the layers, under a layer of skin that blocks a lot of things getting through.

So unless this magical elixir contains DMSO or something similar, there's no way this ointment can directly affect the basale layer.

From the Font Of All Knowledge here's a diagram of human skin:

That purple layer, stratum basale, that's where new skin cells are born. To reach that through exfoliation, you'd have to abrade the epidermis right through the pigment layer. The list of ingredients is interesting. Mostly it's moisturizers and solvents.

A couple are interesting. Adenosine for one, is used by ATP and ADP. So, it's cell food. That's nice. All those dead cells will love that last meal. Another is Dimethicone, a form of soft silicone. It's a cousin to the active components in Silly Putty, and functions like a sealer, holding the skin's moisture. So basically, it's spackling compound to weather proof skin.

One to worry about is Cyclohexasiloxane. According to one database it is a low hazard and may have some side effects.

It looks like Youth Code ointment is nothing more than a deep moisturizer and has some extra chemicals to seal the skin and keep it from drying out. After several weeks of use, your skin is sealed and full of moisture, smoothing out those wrinkles.

But is it really making your skin's genes to "express"? No more than a good facial. Save your money ladies.

Writer's Block: The name game

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 16:05:52 GMT

What's the origin of your username? If you could change it to anything else, would you, and what would it be?

View 2959 Answers

My user name, "Kedamono" was the one I chose for the old Genie network back in the '80s. At the time, I wanted to use my nickname, Animal, as my user name. But when I tried to use it, I was told it was in use and I could Animal341 or some such number. I didn't care for that, so I grabbed my Japanese to English pocket dictionary and found "Kedamono: Beast or animal" so I picked that. I've been lucky in that it's been a fairly unique username and only recently have I run into at least two other people who use it.

Now, my nickname Animal came from how I acted back then, and well, it sort of fit. I could also do a decent impression of that Muppet if I wanted to.

The Cat Piano

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 18:01:47 GMT

Wicked cool beat poem and animated short! It's 8 minutes long, but worth it.

Imaginary TV series meme - Dark Stars

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 06:54:33 GMT

The meme goes like this:

Ask and I'll assign you the basis of some show idea.
Create the characters you need, including the actors who'd play them. Photos optional but recommended.
Come up with a general synopsis of the premise.

There have been some wonderful answers, most notably
freifraufischer 's Right Place, Wrong Time, in which a time traveller ends up trapped on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall. Includes links to several more of these outlines.
melyanna 's No Sheep for You, a New Zealand drama series.
aj 's Gotham, basically the Batman saga continuing after Bruce Wayne's death
havocthecat 's The Lonely Sky, a space pirate series.
ffutures ' Jellystone!, Crime Fighting Park Ranger

So I asked ffutures to give a show idea, I got: Supernatural Starship Explorers.

Dark Stars

The show's general premise is that the crew of the Marie Celeste, are interstellar scouts, exploring new worlds, seeking out sentient life, and dealing with the supernatural horrors that exist in the dark of space. They belong to a shadowy organization only known to as The Bureau. The 6 member Bureau team ply the stars, following the signs and portents of their Teela shaman, Sela. The Bureau's primary mission is to keep the citizens of the Commonwealth ignorant of the supernatural creatures that live along side of them. Which puts the team at odds with local law enforcement of member worlds. The crew of the Marie Celeste are also scouts and explore star systems scheduled for colonization, making sure that they are safe for the colonists.

There are only two known alien races, the small and strong Teela and the tall Shruam at the start of the series. However, evidence for a third, unknown race will surface, ending in a cliff hanger ending episode when they are revealed.

The Marie Celeste is built from modular sections, like all space and star ships, and can be updated or expanded as needed. This is a Hard Science Fiction show, so there is no such thing as artificial gravity, other than provided by counter rotating lifesystem pods of the Marie Celeste. Travel to other star systems is done through wormholes that the ship opens up and drops into and almost instantaneously appearing at their destination. Travel time in system takes weeks if the exit wormhole is formed far out from the target world. Otherwise, it's only a couple of days. Which drives Sela up the wall.

The series opens with the Marie Celeste entering the Fomalhaut system for resupply and repair. There, Captain Granger encounters an old flame in the form of the Station Master Betty Alverez. She's the fourth generation of Alverez's that have run Alverez Station for years. Alverez Station is a large O'Neill style space colony and mining concern in the target rich environment of the Fomalhaut system. They encounter a particularly nasty entity that lives in the Fomalhaut's corona and deal with it with a little damage to the station.

During the course of the first season they will encounter various otherworldly supernatural entities and creatures, along with some good old fashion terrestrial ones as well. Like the lyncanthrope family living on the earth-like exomoon Smith's Hold or the vampire running a numbers game and illegal blood drive. While all this is happening, there will be indications that someone or something is infiltrating Commonwealth space and abducting people. The series cliffhanger provides the big reveal as to who has been spying on humanity. A fellow Terran, but one from the past: Sapient Raptors. They discovered wormholes, but they are using them to find a future that they can conquer with their warships and soldiers.

And it's up to the crew of the Marie Celeste to stop them!

Captain Theodore "Ted" Granger
Jude Law

Captain Granger hails from Earth, and has worked for the Bureau for several years before being assigned as the captain of the Marie Celeste. His command style is by the book and while he is willing to ask for opinions, he has the final say in what happens to his ship and crew. But because his crew is a bit on the rebellious side, this almost never happens. Especially when he has to deal with Sela or his second in command, Andrea North. He was recruited by the Bureau after he had an encounter with a nasty urban spirit, a street troll. He takes his responsibilities seriously, but does have a light side, he is an amateur botanist. Once the team has set up camp on some alien world, he'll be out collecting samples and examining the flora of the planet. This has gotten him into trouble more than once.

Ship's Shaman, Sela
Summer Glau

To say that Sela is impetuous, is like saying a super nova is kind of bright. She is a Teela and hails from the Teela homeworld, Teelaka. It's a super earth and has a surface gravity of 1.5 Gs, so despite being small, Sela is strong and quick. But she's no fighter, she is a magic user and at a drop of a hat, she'll sketch out a magic circle and do magic to solve a problem. Like opening a locked door. Or getting a jar from the top shelf. This wouldn't be a problem, except that her people's magic revolves around summoning spirits and minor demons to do their bidding. Sela pretends that she doesn't care about the others on the team, but in reality is totally dependent on them for their friendship and protection. When caught off guard, her true emotions shine through. But until that happens, she'll treat the rest of them as though they were her none to bright servants when it comes to magic.

Teela are a small race, lime green lizard-like skin, sharp canines, anime elf ears, strong bones, and lighting-like reflexes. They are a pre-technology race, still using animal power and buildings made out of cut stone and mud bricks. When contacted by humanity, the Teela latched onto man like a limpet. On every human or Shruam world, you'll find Teelas. The little green people are hard workers and can more than pull their own weight.

Andrea North
Katee Sackhoff

Andrea grew up on the colony world Minerva, and found out about the supernatural when she encountered the Ur-spirits of her world. She befriended them and let them take up residence in her family's homestead. They became a bit like the Shoemaker's Elves, doing chores and good deeds for the family at night, when no one was awake, except for Andrea. For her, they would appear and help her out with her chores. A local Bureau agent discovered her and the spirits and paid for her to go to Mars to study and become a Bureau agent. She has more practical experience with alien supernatural creatures than Captain Granger, and she's not afraid to let him know that. But don't write her off as a sandal wearing, new age hippie. She grew up with nature spirits and those tend to be excitable and nasty at times. So she has a mouth on her and always has wise-ass comment or comeback ready to go. But she does adhere to the chain of command, even though she likes pulling that chain at times.

Ship's Engineer, René Monte
Jean Reno

René hails from the orbital mining colony of Alverez Station in orbit around the star Fomalhaut. There he learned the ins and outs of space drives and ships, and runs engineering as his own personal domain. He's spends more time in zero g than the rest of crew, so he's the most at risk for bone breakage, despite the medical treatments that he takes. It was in space that he encountered the spirits of deep space. Beings that live in the solar plasma streams and sail the solar wind. Let him out into space in his space suit, he'll make contact with these beings. How he ended up working for the Bureau, no one knows, but there he is.

Ship's AI: Melody
Annie Potts

Melody is the Marie Celeste's AI, though that's not exactly correct. She's the ghost of a dead Bureau agent that possessed the ship's AI would be more correct. When Melody Fletcher bought the big one, her spirit couldn't rest since her fellow teammates were still in trouble. So she possessed the ship's AI and took over control of Marie Celeste and rescued the crew. She now happily lives in the ship's controls and can operate every remote on the ship, much to René's chagrin. She can manifest using the ship's hologram projector, and does so whenever she can. She has/had a crush on René and keeps a close eye on him. She will send a remote out along with the crew when they are planetside and she has become an ace astrogator, since she's now the ship's pilot and navigator as well.

Ship's Purser O'on "Owen"
Michael Clarke Duncan

O'on, otherwise know as "Owen" by the rest of the team, is a Shruam. The Shruam hail from the planet Küla, a smaller planet with only .8 Gs. The Shruam grow big because of the lighter gravity and Owen is a prime example. He's also an empath and can read emotions like a book. As Ship's Purser, he's in charge of outfitting and supplying the ship. Because he is an empath, he is also the ship's "Face" person. Need to smooth some ruffled feathers? Owen smoothes them. Need to interrogate a suspect? Owen makes them feel like his bestest buddy and they talk about old times.

Despite his size, he is a gentle giant, since he can't turn off his empath power, he feels every blow when he beats up a bad guy. And he does beat up the bad guys when he has to, but to him, it's only as a last resort. He prefers living in space, it keeps the noise down in his heart and head.

Shruams are large due to the lower gravity on their world and have a thick skin that is partly radiation resistant as Küla is a tidally locked planet in orbit about an M type star, called locally "Sülü". They have a thicker skull than humans, and skin color varies from light tan to almost mahogany for Shruam that live directly under their sun, in an perpetual noon. Shruam don't sleep, but they do dream, and do so while wide awake and working. It's not unusual to have one space out on you while they experienced a vivid hallucination. When they were encountered by humanity, they were at a mid 21st tech level, and already had space stations in orbit about their world. They learned human technology and set out on their own, forming Shruam colonies.

Recurring Characters:

Space Marshall Warren Oates
Sam Elliott

Bureau Section Chief Aston Shelley
Dennis Waterman (A bit miffed, since the theme music has no lyrics)

Station Master Betty Alverez
Victoria Abril

So if you want me to give you a show idea, let me know and I'll do so!

Not as Nerdy as I thought I was...

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 17:24:28 GMT

Took the "How Nerdy are you" test:

I'm not as nerdy as I thought I was.

What Badassed Fighter am I?

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 17:29:12 GMT

Your result for What badass fighter are you test...

You're BRUCE LEE BAD!!!!!

100% badass!

You're the badest of the bad! in fact there isn't a word to describe how badass you are. You are like water! the ulitimate warrior! You do not hit, it hits all by itself!! You are untouchable in a fight, using raw talent to dispatch any opponent in your path! People will respect and admire you for the rest of your life because of your brutal AWESOMENESS!!

WHAAAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Take What badass fighter are you test at HelloQuizzy

What kind of Supervillian am I?

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:15:11 GMT

Your result for The Supervillain Archetype Test...

The Professional

Cool, Levelheaded, Lethal

The Professional is the most dangerous of all villains. You do what you do better than anyone, because, as a Professional, you have standards.

The Professional is like the Crook in that they both desire money. But the Professional wants more than that. The Professional wants job satisfaction. It isn't sadism really, he just wants to be sure that the job is done, and done well. No hard feelings, it's just business. Professionals prefer to work alone, but will work in groups if given incentive.

The greatest weakness of a Professional is risk. A Professional is business-like, but can't resist a challenge. They often use the word "worthy opponent". People like that are easily baited. And if a Professional is eventually cornered (not easy to do), they might lose it.

Sample Professionals: Deathstroke, Bullseye, Revanche

Take The Supervillain Archetype Test at HelloQuizzy

My Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 19:50:50 GMT

johnreiher's Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 8
Average number of words per sentence:	15.53
Average number of syllables per word:	1.50
Total words in sample:	2780
Analyze your journal! Username: <input ... > <input ... >
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern

Published!

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:43:44 GMT

Finally, one of my short flash fictions, Between the Stars, was published on 365 Tomorrows. Here's an excerpt:

Family Faxor Kwer had lived on this comet for five generations. The light of the home star Sol was indistinguishable from the light of the twin stars Alef and Bey, or the nearer star Prox. Their ship dwarfed the small comet, stretching far past it in both directions.

The great night of space wrapped around Morgzha, who took little notice of it. He had been born in it, his body was made from it, and he knew of nothing else. He was the son of the headman of the family and overseer of the mining machines. They mined the needed water and minerals from the comet as well as the even rarer metals. They very much needed metals.

Read more at the 365 Tomorrows web site!

Dammit Jim, I'm the Doctor

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 20:06:17 GMT

This is absolutely hilarious, especially at the very end. So watch the whole thing through.

Besides, you just gotta love it for this frame grab:

Snatched from the Bad Astronomy blog.

Writer's Block: Space Wars

Wed, 20 May 2009 17:15:50 GMT

Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Serenity, Alien, 2001—there is a long list of movies and TV shows that take place in space. Which is your favorite?

View 502 Answers

People will think I'm insane for saying this, but first season Lost In Space wasn't a bad show. It was still adult with some humor, and it hadn't been kiddie-fied by the network. It was some serious Sci Fi, and Irwin Allen can rest assured he did some good work. What most people remember are the second and third season which weren't as good, especially third season. Especially the Great Vegetable Rebellion. Especially that.

My second favorite is a classic of Saturday Morning Television: Jonny Quest
Now there was an action adventure show, with mad science and good guy scientists! And it was show where people got killed. It never scarred me, and made me appreciate how dangerous such things could be. It also was a good counterpoint to the cartoon violence in the Bugs Bunny Show. The scariest episode was the Invisible Monster and the coolest, in my opinion, was The Robot Spy. I mean, everyone needs a walking eye!

I Am Not A Merry Man

Sun, 17 May 2009 01:17:55 GMT

I'm not at all sure that this is right...

Your results:

You are Worf

Worf		75%
Geordi LaForge		65%
Mr. Scott		50%
Mr. Sulu		50%
Jean-Luc Picard		50%
Chekov		45%
Deanna Troi		45%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		40%
Uhura		40%
Beverly Crusher		35%
Will Riker		35%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		35%
Spock		32%
Data		24%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		20%

You are trained in the art of combat
and are usually intimidating.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

My RPG Gaming style

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:51:20 GMT

You Scored as Storyteller

You're more inclined toward the role playing side of the equation and less interested in numbers or experience points. You're quick to compromise if you can help move the story forward, and get bored when the game slows down for a long planning session. You want to play out a story that moves like it's orchestrated by a skilled novelist or film director.

Storyteller

75%

Butt-Kicker

75%

Specialist

58%

Tactician

58%

Method Actor

50%

Casual Gamer

33%

Power Gamer

33%

My Cat Wants to Kill Me

Sat, 02 May 2009 14:51:04 GMT

Disclaimer: I don't own a cat, but there are several "semi-ferals" that cross my path in my apartment complex. So I took the test for them.

Sam Rockwell's Moon

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 04:55:10 GMT

Astronaut Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell) has a quintessentially personal encounter toward the end of his three-year stint on the Moon, where he, working alongside his intelligent computer, GERTY, sends back to Earth parcels of Helium 3, a resource that has helped diminish our planet's power problems.

How to Succeed in Evil, the Audio Novel

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 05:03:49 GMT

I've been following the podcasts of a gripping story, the story of Edwin Windsor, Evil Efficiency Consultant, and his travails with idiot villains and their schemes. How they ignore how to be efficiently evil and turn their schemes towards making lots of money.

The series is called How to Succeed in Evil, by Patrick McLean. Not only did he write the story, he does all the voices from the stoic Edwin Windsor, to the insane Doctor Loeb, to the gun crazy, hard drinking, hard playing, midget lawyer Topper.

Paralleling this story is the story of Excelsior, this world's version of Superman, the man of steel, the man with deep emotional problems.

And the power to crack the Earth in half.

It's up to chapter 18 now, and it's worth listening to from the very beginning. I highly recommend this series if you're a fan of superhero fiction.

Writer's Block: Guarding the Terrorists

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:10:37 GMT

If you were ordered to become a prison guard for alleged terrorists and live at Guantanamo, what would you find most difficult about your job?

Sponsored by "Inside Guantanamo" on National Geographic Channel. Premieres Tomorrow at 9P et/pt.

View 268 Answers

At the time when this was possible, i.e. when I was still in the armed forces, I hate to say I'd be sorely tempted to mistreat the prisoners. That would be the hardest part of the job.

Having said that, in the intervening 25 years I've grown up and matured and these days I'd find it hard to take the job at all. I've opposed everything that happened to Iraq from the start, nothing would convince me to be a guard at Gitmo...

Meme: How many states & provinces have you've been to?

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:18:35 GMT

A meme from mechanteanemone, where you indicate which USA State and Canadian Province you've been to.

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California X
Colorado X
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida X
Georgia X
Hawaii
Idaho X
Illinois X
Indiana
Iowa X
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana X
Maine
Maryland X
Massachusetts
Michigan X
Minnesota X
Mississippi X
Missouri
Montana X
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico X
New York X
North Carolina
North Dakota X
Ohio X
Oklahoma
Oregon X
Pennsylvania X
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas X
Utah X
Vermont X
Virginia X
Washington X
West Virginia X
Wisconsin X
Wyoming X

Canada:

Alberta
British Columbia X
Manitoba
Newfoundland and Labrador
New Brunswick
Nova Scotia
Ontario X
Prince Edward Island
Quebec X
Saskatchewan
Yukon and Northwest Territories

What Science Fiction Writer Am I?

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:48:57 GMT

I am:

Hal Clement (Harry C. Stubbs)

A quiet and underrated master of "hard science" fiction who, among other things, foresaw integrated circuits back in the 1940s.

Which science fiction writer are you?

Jay Ward's The Watchmoose... err, Watchmen

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:08:07 GMT

Absolutely hilarious! Found this in Deviant Art.

I just love the juxtaposition of the characters.

Pocket Stops: Wayang Kulit

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 01:40:00 GMT

For those of you who don't know this, I do work on the side for Tri Tac Games as a designer, writer and playtester. One of the things I love doing are these short stories involving the game Fringeworthy. So enjoy this little story about a pair of interdimensional scouts and their adventures:

Wayang Kulit

By John Reiher

Ted Granger puffed away as he peddled his bike in the early morning sun. Attached to the bike was a trailer loaded with trade goods. Next to him was Lorenzo Di Stefano peddling his own trailer. They both rather that they could have used their vehicle, but the local Javanese king, Sunan Patah, had banned all privately owned motor vehicles from the land. If a person wanted to get around, you rode a bicycle, an ox cart, or you walked. So there they were, cycling down the market streets of Surakarta, looking for an empty stall to set up and trade their goods from.

Back at their hotel, the Losem Pang, they had gone over the rules and regulations imposed on all visitors to the kingdom of Java. The ban on motor vehicles was know after the first scout team here was arrested, thrown into jail and had their Hummer confiscated. They broke out easily and escaped, but they couldn’t return to this world because they were hunted men. They also failed to find out what else was prohibited in Java.

Pornography was an obvious banned item, as were foreign made alcoholic beverages. Computers, either for sale or for personal use were banned as were “Personal Wireless Audio Telegraphs”. Luckily, their slim laptops and tiny walkie-talkies escaped notice by the trade inspector that had visited them to issue them a permit to sell. Luckily they chose not to bring any electronics for sale, but a hodge-podge of hand-made goods, tools, and simple devices. However their load of dolls was confiscated as possible objects of idolatry, as were any pictures that showed recognizable portraits. They had to pay a hefty fine of 40 gulden, about an ounce of gold, which ate into their capital. Between the two of them, they only had 20 ounces of gold, most of which was to buy local goods and services. Their room at the hotel was costing them 3 gulden a night each. Over their month long stay on this world this would eat up about 4 and half ounces of their stockpile. Thus the need to supplement their income.

“Hey,” puffed Lorenzo, “over there, a space.” He bobbed his head in the direction of an open space between a fruit vendor and man selling live animals for food.

Ted nodded and aimed his bike at the opening. “They setup early around here,” he replied.

As they pulled up, they realized why the spot was open. The stench from the animal vendor was overpowering. Ted smiled, bought some fresh fruit from the other vendor and the duo pedaled away.

Soon they found another collection of open spaces under the Spanish era arcade and soon they had their folding table setup and their wares arrayed behind them. A stall warden stopped by, checked their permit, and collected the gulden for use of the space and another 50 duit as a bride not to roust them later. Duits were a small copper coin, about 100 to the gulden.

Then the two sat on the cushions they had brought and waited for their first customer. Ted divided the bunch of dhuwets he had bought at the fruit vendor, handed half to Lorenzo. Both men sprinkled some salt on the fruit from their pocket salt & peppershaker, and bit into the violet fruit. “Mmm, nothing like local street foods,” said Ted. “I saw vendor cooking up some pork bits and guava three stalls away. I’m thinking lunch.”

“That sounds good,” replied Lorenzo, “and I spotted a vendor selling rujak in melon bowls. Bueno!”

“Rujak… mmmmmmm,” mimicked Ted, then the two of them laughed.

During the morning they mainly got lookeeloos, folks that eyed their odd wares, stare at the one item that held prize of place, and then walked on. They made enough to pay for lunch, their primary goal. Ted purchased two plates full of pork bits and pieces, mixed liberally with roasted guava and mango bits, all covered in a tamarind sauce. They had to provide their own plates. Lorenze then went after the rujak vendor, and came back with two melon bowls full of fruit in a red sweet-hot bumbu rujak sauce. He also snagged a small paper cup of garam, a salty ground red chilli spice.

“Well, they have trade with the Americas,” said Lorenzo, sprinkling some garam on both his rujak and his meat.

Plucking out a sweet potato, from his rujak and sprinkling some garam on it, Ted said “Most definitely.” The two enjoyed their lunch, comparing notes on other street food they have had over the years.

Earlier that day they had determined that whatever the Americas were called on this world, it wasn’t “America”. After lunch, Lorenzo thought for moment, he said that he had an idea and that he’d be back in a minute or so.

The woman selling rujak looked up as Lorenzo approached and smiled at him. “How was the rujak? Not too spicy?” she asked.

“No, not at all,” he said, as he watched her slice up the different ingredients for another batch. “I do have a question, though,” he picked up a sweet potato that was displayed on her counter, “what is this? Where is it from?”

“Ah, this is the ‘root creeper’,” she replied, “My family grows it on our farm. Freshest in the market.”

“Hmm, but it’s not native to Java, is it?” observed Lorenzo, giving the tuber a sniff. “I’ve seen it in other lands, but never tried it till now. It’s very tasty, sweet even.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment, remembering something. “I think I remember from my teachings that it was brought over here by some Lower Columbians who had settled here hundreds of years ago.”

“Hmph, ‘Lower Columbia’ you say,” mused Lorenzo, “I’d never thought that. Kantangs of course, but never this,”using the Javanese word for potato. “How are these roasted?” he said, gesturing to the sweet potato in his hand.

“Very good, especially if you put a sweet-hot sauce on them while they roast,” she replied. “My good friend here, Ken Dedes, she can cook them for you if you wish.”

The woman in the next stall smiled as she cooked up some eels. “Not right now, I’m full. But for my supper when I’m done, I’d love a roasted ubi jalar. Ah, I am so impolite, I am Lorenzo Di Stefano.” He gave her a little bow.

“And I am Ken Umjano,” she replied, giving a little bow of her head. “You come back here and we’ll make you a meal you will not forget.”

“Is it alright if I bring my friend?” said Lorenzo sheepishly, “He’s working at our stall down the way from here. Um that one.” He pointed at his stall.

“I may have to visit your stall later, when my daughter takes over in a little bit.”

“We’ll be waiting for you!” he said with a smile.

When he returned to their stall, Ted was engaged in a haggle with a well-dressed Javanese over a stainless steel chef’s knife. “But you have no idea of how far this knife had to come to be here,” said Ted, as he carefully rotated the blade, causing the sun to run along its length. “I can’t let it go for any less than 25 gulden.”

“25 gulden? My family will starve if I spend all my money on this shiny bit of metal!” replied the man. “No, I cannot pay more than 19 gulden.”

Ted looked up and smiled, and said to Lorenzo, “My good man, what do you…”

“No, no, no do not include me in your haggling,” said Lorenzo, going behind the table, arranging some goods. “Deal fairly with this man.”

“Oh ho! You’re trying to cheat me!” proclaimed the man in a loud voice.

Ted mouthed a foul word at Lorenzo, and then turned back the man before him with a defeated look. “No, I was just trying to drive the price up. So that was 19 gulden then?”

“18,” replied the now smiling man.

Sighing inwardly, Ted put on a wan smile and said “18 gulden it is. Do you want it wrapped?”

After finishing the transaction he sat down next to Lorenzo and suppressed a smile. “18 gulden? That’s about, um…” Ted pulled out his abacus and did the math, “70€, and we only paid 2€ for it at that yard sale. Nice little bit of profit. So, what did you find out?”

“America is known as Columbia on this world,” he replied. “Upper and Lower Columbia. And I made friends with the stall owner who made our rujak, Ken Umjano. She’s going to stop by later on to check out our wares. She might know someone who might take our bait.” He nodded at the brown and brittle object sitting in the pride of place in their stall. “Oh and we may get a very special dinner tonight.”

“Double our pleasure…” said Ted.

“She’s married and has at least one daughter,” flatly stated Lorenzo.

“OK, I wasn’t going to hit on her,” Ted defended.

“Ah-huh… and the pope is a Unitarian,” replied Lorenzo.

The afternoon went fast, and they did more trade. It seemed that a different kind of person prowled the market in the afternoon, and soon they had made another 50 gulden in profit.

Ken Umjano showed up with a extra large melon bowl, filled with fruit covered with bumbu rujak sauce. “It would have gone bad,” she said, foisting the treat on the two men after Lorenzo introduced Ted.

“But we just can’t take it,” said Ted, “Let us pay you for it. This is what 18 duit?”

“I’ll let you have for 12 duit,” she said leaning forward and continued in a conspiratorial whisper, “Stall vendor discount.” She gave them a wink. They paid her the sum and moved the bowl of sugar covered fruit to a safe hiding place.

She looked over their wares, marveling at the collection of cookware they had on display, then her lit upon a stainless steel ladle. “Oh my, what is this made from? Silver?” she asked, cradling the ladle in her hands, and then tried out the heft and feel. “No, not silver, too light. Iron? Steel?”

“Stainless steel,” replied Lorenzo. “At least according to the man we bought this from.”

“Amazing, it’s so shiny,” she looked at her distorted reflection in the bowl of the ladle. “What do you want for this? 30 – 40 gulden?”

“30 is our asking price,” he leaned forward and whispered, “We only paid 25 gulden for it!” he gave a conspiratorial wink. It was only a half lie, in actuality they only paid 25 eurocents for it at a thrift shop. That and some stainless steel polish did the rest.

She sadly hung the ladle back on the shelf, saying, “Ah, that’s still too much for me.” She gave it a look that had both men look at each other and nod imperceptibly at each other.

She turned and looked at thing that had pride of place in their stall. A large, dry, ball shaped collection of curved branches and nub of stump at the bottom. “What is that?”

Ted stood next to it and said, “It’s called a ’Tumbleweed’. This one is from the Upper Columbia, though you can find them in Asia and Africa as well.”

“’A weed that tumbles’,” she replied. “That’s an odd name. Why do you have one on display?”

“It gets people’s attention,” replied Ted, nodding his head at a couple staring at the strange plant. “Ever since we bought it, it has brought us more customers than our wares. It’s an odd enough plant that it draws all sorts of people.”

Lorenzo smiled and then greeted the couple and the three of them began a lively discussion over the stall’s wares.

Ken Umjano raised an eyebrow in appreciation, wondering what she could hang in her stall to get people’s attention. Then she had a thought. “My middle son, Paku, he goes to the university here in town, he’s quite smart and qualified for a royal scholarship. He takes classes on the science of plants and I’m sure his professors would love to look at ‘the weed that tumbles’.” She looked at some of the more technical items for sale in the stall, she added, “And maybe they might buy some of those items. They work for the king, bless his majesty, and they are well paid.”

Ted stood in thought for a moment, and then said, “If you could do that and we sell some of these items…” he reached over and lifted the ladle from the shelf, “This will be yours. The profit we’d make off of selling one or two of these tools, would pay for three of these. And if we sold three or more,” he picked up a narrow teak wood box large enough to hold the ladle, “I’d gift wrap it for you. Consider it a finders fee if you can deliver them to us.”

She smiled in the way only a predatory stall vendor could smile. “Put them aside Theodore, I intend to collect that finders fee.” She spit in her hand and held it flat out. Ted spit in his hand and placed it on top of hers. They squeezed their hands together and the deal was done.

Ted was able to trade her a new paring knife before she left, for a promise of a delicious supper that evening. After she had left and after Lorenzo had finished his dealings with his customers, the two sat down and munched on sweet & hot sauce covered fruit.

“Looks like we get to make contact with the brains of this world. She picked out her own bribe and hopefully we’ll be talking to some scientists this week,” said Ted. “And we’ll get dinner out of the deal tonight as well.”

“Great, and this evening we’re invited to attend the local Wayang Kulit performance,” replied Lorenzo. “That couple was two of the performers. It’s the only form of theatre allowed in Java it seems, only shadow puppets are allowed. It seems that the current string of rulers are very strict in interpreting the Koran here.”

“Huh. Shadow puppets,” said Ted. “That’s funny you know, that’s what we are, just shadow puppets for IDET on this world. I can’t wait to get out into the light again.”

The two sat quietly, contemplating their mission on this world. Then Ted slapped his knee and stood up. “Enough navel viewing, we have inventory to sell.”

Lorenzo stood up and sang out “Tools for sale! All kinds of tools! Our prices can’t be beat!”